Soul Mate

To create room for others in your life, start by creating room for yourself.

I have never given enough respect to mushy articles and relationship help columns from psychologists in women's magazines. The rare times I did read them was for lack of other reading material available - thanks mom for leaving those magazines in the bathroom - and usually with a sarcastic frame of mind. The same old banalities seemed to emerge: "men have a harder time expressing feelings, give him some time", "try finding activities you both enjoy", etc.

I felt these instant gratification columns or reader's mail expert answers only tried to patch up a failure-bound relationship rather than reveal the true nature of the situation. People entered relationships for reasons that were never going to provide emotional satisfaction in the long run.

Granted, nobody has a right to judge others' motives - after all we're all in the same boat: self-confidence issues, the appeal of social status, beauty, the promise of stability, the cure for loneliness, the biological clock - but giving false hope is unethical.

I cannot stand the hypocrisy of the "experts" when they try catering to fragile people's idealized conception of love by promising that an unrealistic level of happiness is within reach after a couple adjustments.

However, when I serendipitously stumbled upon a mature, intelligent, yet simple article about relationships in a women's magazine (Yoga Journal - well, it's for men too, but not really), I felt that the theme provided potential for deep inquiries around the themes of existentialism and personal maturation.

The article gently explains how the illusion of finding a soul mate is never going to be a prolific approach. The focus should be within first, facing our problems rather than running away from them. If we escape our unhappiness by rushing into the arms of a partner, the unaddressed issues will eventually surface.

"If we can figure out how to solve our own problems and to love ourselves, we’re not so needy. And that’s when we can enjoy a great relationship for what it is, rather than because our partner appears to fill some need we think we have.

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Our culture and traditions school us to believe the opposite: that someday our prince (or princess) will come, that a relationship has the potential to solve problems like loneliness, that the right partner will make us feel whole. Popular romantic movies propagate the myth of another person completing us.

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On the face of it, the idea of being “completed” by another seems deeply romantic. But it’s a fantasy that can weigh down a relationship with impossible expectations. The truth is that while your partner can offer many things, he or she can’t “complete” you. The only person who can give you a sense of security and an unshakable love of you is you. And though you may “know” this with your mind, sometimes feelings of unworthiness, insecurity, and incompleteness are so deeply buried that you aren’t even aware of them or of how they influence your behavior.

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In relationships, these grooves keep you choosing partners for the same, often misguided, reasons. Maybe you look for somebody just like you (a mirror); maybe you choose partners who have some quality you wish you had (someone who is outgoing if you’re shy, or someone with a big, happy family if yours suffered through a messy divorce); or maybe you unconsciously try to recreate or correct the dynamics of your parents’ relationship.

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“The definition of one of these patterns is that you’re not aware of it when you’re in it,” says psychotherapist Mark Epstein, author of Open to Desire: The Truth About What the Buddha Taught. “Usually you don’t recognize it until it’s ruined some part of your life.”

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Forbes says: “If we come into a relationship from a place of lacking contentment, we end up looking for someone to fill us up to make those feelings go away.” It’s important to try to address our missing pieces on our own.

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If we examine our romantic desires and suspect that they take the form of unhealthy longing for completion, we need to create our ideal life so we aren’t looking for someone else to do it for us. Nourishing the unsatisfied parts of ourselves, as Jenni did, is the key to becoming whole."

Link

The article explains how yoga can help in the process of looking within. The idea is not that yoga is a nostrum which will improve your relationships. It is just another tool for doing the soul searching work - remember it is a Yoga magazine.