...fuck...

I haven't written here in a while. Perhaps it's because there was nothing to write about.
Life seemed almost too easy. Simple. But easy.

Much like our muscles, or anything else in life for that matter, if we do not strain, our intellects wither and lose that determination and concentration. We lose that which gives us the right to brand ourselves "intelligent" and "conscious", that which some of us struggle so greatly to acquire, that which, in my opinion, gave us the right to brand ourselves "human".

I have, for some time now, taken the path that such a great many people our age and generation advocate. I went for simplicity - perhaps in a different understanding than that of Mr. Substance or Mr. Alex, but I simply stopped caring about my possessions and started reevaluating my ideals. I packed my things, threw them in a trailer and moved in with my friend; thinking to myself, as I earn a little cash, I'll give him some sort of honorary rent.
Slowly, but surely, I began to not only accept, but live those morals which I had now, for some time, preached to myself. Materialism disappeared. Hate left. Prejudice was gone. And with prejudice went my egotism. I became simple. All that was left was a happy go-lucky person. The one that enjoys his life at the very moment he lives it - not the one that thinks it.

So, I went to parties, had fun. Enjoyed the superficial and flirtatious interactions of everyday life. Dropped the current idea of creating a business and found a simple little job to keep myself from worrying about finances. At the job, I enjoyed the company of simpler people. Did not strive to meet those who stimulate me intellectually - there was no prejudice pushing me - there were no expectations. I settled. I lived my daily routine, and found interest in the moment being. Even my parents seemed to stop bothering me - or maybe I just stopped noticing.

I became that which I respected in others, but that which I never thought I would become. I became blissfully simple.

Even now, as I am writing this, words don’t flow. Thoughts don’t lineup and organize – they vanish instants after they surface. I feel dumber. I feel stupid.

Maybe I lost at this game which I undertook. I came to conquer, but I was slain somewhere along the way.

Maybe not. I am noticing this for a reason. It’s my intellect putting up a fight – and I’m not going to let it die. I am not that kind of person. I will not awaken in 10 years only to cry for help. I will take myself by what is left of my most basic instincts and start hating. Start judging. I will start loathing that which stands in my way. I will detest that which my crisp and blazing thoughts brand as arid and useless. I will live again.

PS: Ha! – granted this isn’t my greatest work or the most intelligent thing I wrote, but I have to say that the change in my thinking and writing style was not deliberate and “just happened”. I think this is why the concept of blogs and journals is so successful.

Pss: As a matter of fact, I think my best bet for strengthening myself is to just avoid useless conversation and stay as close as possible to my natural hateful and/or judgmental thoughts as possible. What I think I mean by this post is that seeking what the Buddha and so many others refer to as enlightenment is wrong as it takes us away from our natural identities – or maybe it’s just wrong for those of us who wish to think.